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Loss of my LIfe
I don't know if I love remembering you, or hate remembering you.
I hate how remembering you feels, I loathe it really.
When you died you were a shell of your former self.
You used to be so happy and silly.
I guess cancer makes someone not be oneself.
When I remember you I mostly remember the sick you.
The you that suffered and for that I hate myself.
I hate myself because we had so many good memories together and yet I can only focus on the bad, when you were so sad.
I hate myself because I knew I would probably only have limited time with you yet I strayed from you because seeing you like that made me very sad.
You were supposed to be the strong one, you were my dad.
I wish I could go back and spend more time with you.
I knew you were miserable.
I didn’t do my best to make you happier.
I wish my actions were reversible.
I wish I could justify my actions by saying I was just a young girl hanging out with her friends living her teenage years.
But when I remember those memories I just want to burst into tears.
Because I wasn’t near, and I hate myself for that
I do love remembering you though.
I loved how your smile used to light up a room.
In my mind that still happens.
I loved how you always used to glow.
You are still the sweetest person I know
You taught me how to drive a stick shift and to never shoplift.
I loved how you were so patient.
You always used to drop everything to help me. You always had everything I needed.
You had a solution to every one of my problems.
Even when you had stage 4 cancer you still went to work to provide.
I thought you were the smartest, hardworking, ambitious man alive.
You were always so empathetic even when you had it the worst to me and your wife.
I wish you were here to teach me some more.
It seems like the only thing I know for sure is that you’re the loss of my life.
And I thank you for that. I thank you for being everything I needed.
I will forever miss you as long as I'm alive.
Copyright ©
jerni plank
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