Best Speedos Poems
~Merry, Merry~
Twas the night before Christmas and all around my house….
I heard loud footsteps,far heavier than even an overweight,mouse.
Irene, my calico cat,so high on good weed, snuggled in her bed.
While images of muscular hunks in speedos, danced in my old, poetic head!
When out on my lawn, I heard such a clamarous noise….
I wished and wished Santa brought me a sleigh full of boy-toys.
I decided to look outside and see what was the matter.
And, behold, the handsome fireman, who saved my life last week,
was climbing up the ladder!
The moon on his legs, gave off such a amberescent glow…..
I swear, it seemed as though I had snorted a big wad of blow!
He was so young, no grandpa was he, and not one wrinkle.
And those big, blue eyes, did far more than just twinkle!!
The crest of the moon on the new fallen snow.
Higltlighted,his muscular, gluteus maximus….
Far more, than you will ever be blessed to know!
He climbed down the ladder and inquired if I was alright.
I thanked him for the visit, and for my best ever,glorious,
Christmas Eve Night!
12/23/2024
A men only poem, well I never-
that is something odd, for a start
submissions from men
who pick noses and then
will polish it off with a fart.
We undress like drunken mime artists
look like we get dressed in the dark
steer cars like we're swimmin'
and then complain women
do not have a clue how to park.
Our cooking skills are just amazing
we're known for our barbecue fame
coz we somehow have learnt
just which food has been burnt
when it's black it all looks just the same
Our acting is worthy of Oscars
or any such Thespian cup
stagger home fully juiced
with some drunken excuse
but we still avoid getting beat up
In beachwear we are an Adonis
our styling choices are quite bold
from speedos so weeny
to full on Mankinis
...it's small coz the water's too cold....
The world would be worse off without us
devoid of intelligent life
there's nothing to rival
our power of survival
except for the girlfriend.
Or wife.
She told me to put that bit in.
Yes, dear.
I'll be right there.
Submitted with my missus' grudging permission for contest 'Men only #2,
sponsored by Kelly Deschler
July 16th 2015
He oozed charm, this aging lothario.
Gallantry was his middle name.
Yet, he lived in the past
in the glory days of football wins
and cheerleaders…
denying his saggy abdomen
blind eye, and fungus crusted feet…
Gallantry was his middle name
and he wheedled his way into the affections
of many lost and lonely woman.
When the only women
of true importance in his life
were his daughters…
He lived in the past
slept with his dog, and swam in Speedos
bald pate shining in the sun.
Once, long ago he was married to a cheerleader.
She’s stopped cheering, as his life filled
with their daughter and she was no longer his girl.
Caught between life, death,
and the deep blue sea, he swam.
Arriving at the home of each new prospective conquest
with the requisite flowers and small talk.
The glory days of football still danced
before his single good eye upon the giant bar screen,
where he served mimosa’s and other drinks with a wink.
He smiled with a well-worn charm, and didn’t touch the stuff.
Still, he tried. But, most times,
he felt more at home
with his daughters…
He's quick to flash his latest jewel.
They must have brought it by mule.
And while he's dazzling your eyes.
He's quickly saying his goodbyes. Smirkedey Smirk. What a jerk!
He's spotted mermaids from afar.
Quick introductions, hit the bar.
Imbibe it all, babe, it's on me.
What I want later will come free. Smirkedey Smirk. What a jerk!
Next day he's strutting like a stud.
Forget the gym. It's steroids, bud!
As for performance, he's the star.
He'll screech the stop lights in his car. Smirkedey Smirk. What a jerk!
Long, lovely wailing sax solo. ( While all around him plot a discreet murder)
( behind the sand dune? No, under the pier!)
( In the boathouse! Oh, no, he's going to sing!)
My daddy's rich, he's CEO.
I know everyone there is to know.
So keep your hands off me and mine!
My Speedos are designer line. Smirkedey Smirk. WHAT A JERK!
Smirkedey Smirk. Smirkedey Smirk! ( Repeat and fade out. And then, a shot rings out?!...)
You can see me at the beach
I’m a hunk and there’s no doubt
In my budgie smuggler pants
You can tell that I work out
With my speedos fully loaded
I’m a magnet for the women
And I always get molested
When I’m in the water swimming
I can’t help if I’m oozing
Sex appeal and charm
As I walk along the sand
With a honey on each arm
So you guys, don’t get upset
If your girl comes on to me
When my passions on display
They can’t help it, don’t you see
“Is Fashion Modern?” MOMA* asks
And so, in its new show,
The items on display are there
To let us know it’s so.
A pair of Levi’s, baseball caps,
Bikinis and berets,
A Wonderbra, dashikis, kilts
And suits from prior days.
A Rolex watch, Adidas, Nikes,
Mao jackets, too,
A leotard by Danskin,
Polo shirts (but not J. Crew).
Lipstick, flip flops, saris, Speedos,
Ties, stilettos, Spanx,
Jumpsuits, hoodies, Snuglis
(For which new moms owed their thanks).
My friend and I did reminisce,
While strolling the exhibit,
About the clothes like those we wore
When age did not inhibit.
*Museum of Modern Art (NYC)
Baltimore Tales
lazy fat cat meowing, begging for a meal,
mother baking cookies, grates an orange peel.
husband’s belly flopping, cold beer in his hand,
watching Jimmy Kimmel, singing with the band.
little Susie playing, with her pregnant worn out doll,
dumb dog outside barking, as the oak tree’s acorns fall.
UPS delivers, a Halloween costume,
little Leroy grabs it, runs up to his room.
soon appears as Batman, mommy says “how cute”,
but sister and the father, don’t really give a hoot.
outside the neighbor hollers, “better come and see”,
as it runs and yelps in circles, the dog stung by a bee.
across the street the yard sale, has now gone in full swing,
they’re selling all the junk they bought, imported from Beijing.
The bus stop now is crowded, with people on their way,
to watch the rodeo in the field, the ground is strewn with hay.
the lanky tall hairdresser, prepares her chair and waits,
for those who need a different look, before they meet their mates.
the alleys now are quiet, as the day comes to an end,
the runaways have all gone home, there’s nothing left to spend.
the doormen watch the rich arrive, in rented black tuxedos,
gay convention here tonight, they’re prancing in their speedos.
I’m certain there is more to see, but I must take the train,
to somewhere far away from here, and rearrange my brain.
and try and understand these tales, that somehow seem so strange,
that people here in Baltimore, have managed to exchange.
there was a girl from Havana
her name was Ms. Quintana
she liked watching men from her cabana
scatily dressed in only bandanas
all those young men in their Speedos
put a rise in her labido
those hot guys made her crazy
then everything just got hazy
when she stood up and almost fainted
a hansome young man got acquainted
as he reached out to catch her fall
she know he was the best one of all
When Ned came to the island with his dog
greeted by the men in bulging Speedos,
some he knew and many that he didn't
he saw the tip of an enormous iceberg
the submerged of which would quickly be revealed
men and women would die in agony and pain.
Ned wanted to rise and rail and shout
...urine on the steps up to the Capitol
never silent...always loud and angry
in counterpoint to their deafening silence.
And that accomplished his and their agenda
so that in these days the trigger has become
accepted, resigned to, complacent
as if everything has now been put aright.
The problem is that many still are suffering...
but now the kettle's taken off the boil.
And all that's left is us to brew the tea
.
© Richard A. Martin, Jr., MD, CPC, 2016
My wife brought home a little man
He really doesn't talk very much
He mostly cries and sucks his thumb
And he poops a lot and such
A lot of times he just stares at me
Well, I cant just let him win
So I stare him down, til he's crosseyed
With drool running down his chin
He wears this thing called a diaper
You know, like speedos for a little dude
Everytime I tell him to put on some clothes
My wife says, "Quit being rude"
He drinks his milk from a bottle
I tell him to grow up, and be a man
So I hurry and finish my rootbeer
To show him I can crush a can
I told my wife he's not much of a man
He can't even grow a beard
Then I caught them playing patty cakes
The one thing that I've always feared
So I finally accused my wife of cheating
She said, "You idiot this is your child"
I said, "I knew that, do you think I'm stupid?"
She didn't answer, she just sit there and smiled
Well, I finally grew accustomed to his face
And it just couldn't be any finer
As long as he puts some clothes on
And stays out of my recliner
Some temples are cluttered.
Everywhere there are
wrathful-playful-sexual-vengeful-
gesturing-carousing-beckoning-
ascending-descending-riding-
weeping-flying-singing,
or just sitting around
Gods.
The congregation ride luggage carts
in the dead of night,
sing drunkenly, slam doors,
or watch HBO with the volume way up,
That was a hotel in Muncie Indiana.
A temple I shared with a rumba dancing Shiva
and a bottle of Jim Beam
but the vibe was the same.
When I finally nod off, I dream of wearing
Day-Glo Speedos
in an elevator
while
reading
the Kama Sutra.
One level up,
the Tallahassee chapter of the honorable order of Shriners,
surrounds me with their juiced-up joie de vivre.
I rise with them to the seventh floor
where at last I find
my omnipresent self.
Here's a story of a little known secret
That most people just don't know
When the Fairytales go on vacation
I know exactly where they go
Me and the wife were relaxing
Just spending a day at the beach
When, out of the blue two vans pull up
That carried ten fairytales each
The first one out of the van that day
Was Snow White, eatin' some Doritos
Then next, here came her seven dwarfs
Dressed in nothing, but their speedos
Then we saw old Santa Claus
Wait!, Just seeing if you were paying attention
Cause, everyone knows, that Santa's real
Not some made up childhood invention
Little Red Riding Hood was the next one out
Wearing a bikini and carrying her basket
I had a very important question to ask that girl
But she looked too hot and I forgot to ask it
The next one we saw was Rip Van Winkle
His beard was at least three feet long
He was a sight in his one piece bathing suit
It's a good thing my stomach was strong
Then next we saw Little Bo Peep
And none of her sheep could be found
Some guy in the crowd yelled, "Where's your sheep?"
But she only smiled, without making a sound
Then last, but not least, were The Three Little Pigs
But they were surrounded by the men in blue
Somebody had sent them a threatening letter
That invited them to a barbecue
This is just a few of these Fairytales
So, I'll save the rest for later
But here's a clue, if you can figure it out
He got his hand bitten off by a gator
Horkel and Snorkel set out for the pool
Wearing their Speedos, they thought they looked cool ~
H & S posed, then dove in
Speedos came off, revealed skin ~
At infantile stunts, cute girls do not drool
Bikinis and Speedos
worn with glee
exposing more
than some want to see
but hey, those people
look just like me
it all hangs out
on the Black Sea coast
Saint-Tropez... not for most
so pack your bags
I'll meet you there
we can tan the fat
without a care
My wife brought home a little man
He really doesn't talk very much
He mostly cries and sucks his thumb
And he poops a lot and such
A lot of times he just stares at me
Well, I cant just let him win
So I stare him down, til he's crosseyed
With drool running down his chin
He wears this thing called a diaper
You know, like speedos for a little dude
Everytime I tell him to put on some clothes
My wife says, "Quit being rude"
He drinks his milk from a bottle
I tell him to grow up, and be a man
So I hurry and finish my rootbeer
To show him I can crush a can
I told my wife he's not much of a man
He can't even grow a beard
Then I caught them playing patty cakes
The one thing that I've always feared
So I finally accused my wife of cheating
She said, "You idiot this is your child"
I said, "I knew that, do you think I'm stupid?"
She didn't answer, she just sit there and smiled
Well, I finally grew accustomed to his face
And it just couldn't be any finer
As long as he puts some clothes on
And stays out of my recliner