A Hard Life

A friend recently told me he could not imagine me having a hard life In many ways, I don’t my bills get paid I knew on our first date that my spouse was my forever my home is safe and warm but I have unseen pain I have looked into the eyes of my son wrapped up in the throes of a substance and mental illness I have held him when he kept saying he couldn’t go on I have sat with him when he couldn’t stand to be touched by another human There was a time that sitting in the hospital with him was as frequent of an event as movie nights were when he was a child but at this point he refuses any help I am the enemy and I probably deserve that in some ways, because I keep trying to help when help from others is not what he wants the choice to not be in the situation he is in is his alone and he has not quite reached that point That is hard for me because I am his mother, I NEED to help, but my needs are not important I pray constantly, I try to live my life but knowing that I could be notified at any time that he has harmed himself irreparably, it is very hard to be my own self Yet, that is what I must do Each time he tries to take his own life or overdoses, it crushes me but I do have hope and trust in God that although things might not happen as I want them to, my life is worth the effort it takes to move forward, even when it feels like it is caving inward.