A Hard Life
A friend recently told me
he could not imagine
me having a hard life
In many ways, I don’t
my bills get paid
I knew on our first date
that my spouse was my forever
my home is safe and warm
but I have unseen pain
I have looked into the eyes
of my son wrapped up in the throes
of a substance and mental illness
I have held him when he kept saying
he couldn’t go on
I have sat with him when he couldn’t stand
to be touched by another human
There was a time that sitting in the hospital with him
was as frequent of an event as movie nights
were when he was a child
but at this point he refuses any help
I am the enemy and I probably deserve
that in some ways, because I keep trying to help
when help from others is not what he wants
the choice to not be in the situation he is in
is his alone and he has not quite reached that point
That is hard for me because I am his mother,
I NEED to help, but my needs are not important
I pray constantly, I try to live my life
but knowing that I could be notified at any time
that he has harmed himself irreparably,
it is very hard to be my own self
Yet, that is what I must do
Each time he tries to take his own life
or overdoses, it crushes me
but I do have hope and trust in God
that although things might not
happen as I want them to,
my life is worth the effort
it takes to move forward,
even when it feels like it is caving inward.
Copyright © Kathleen Hassall | Year Posted 2024
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