If only you knew

Written for the poetry contest "If only you knew" Sponsor: Silent One 2nd Place This poem is inspired from the song “liability” by Lorde. sat down with my brother the other day asked him if my smile screamed heart ache he laughed and said no way no way my heart had been broken if only you knew I’m dancing in the living room with a hollow in the beat don’t need someone to wretch it out my hands are enough the pads of my fingers painted crimson now there’s a hole in my chest that I’m trying to fill up, up, up with that stretch of parched lips and rumble in my ribcage with the strain of muscle in my legs and sore, swollen feet it’s starting to mean less, less, less just something that takes the pressure off my lungs in the moment and is wiped off in the dark like a shameful secret I don’t want you to know that I’m breaking, breaking, breaking behind a brittle mask of perfect joy because I’m not okay. I hurt. A lot. Sometimes… it hurts to breathe. So I breathe anyways because pain is better. Better than being numb because there’s nowhere to hide six feet under the ground when everyone knows of a visage blank I don’t want to give them someone to grieve over don’t want them to feel what I felt and pray in a moment of frailty for someone like me to grace their lives again. I wonder again if it is so selfish of me to not want them to hate that they loved me once? there’s not much to look forward to nowadays I drown in memories like I drown in guilt We move in the shadows always in tune with each other my eyes are closed and I can feel your touch but all a stranger a stranger would see is one girl swaying alone stroking her cheek.