Poetry Forum
For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
12/30/2018 11:29:01 AM
Bob Atkinson Posts: 295
|
Dreams
- by - BobAtkinson
block the sun with hand held high
as you move from place to place
shunning all forms of irritation
with style and practiced grace
call those simple pleasures
ones we seek so many of
strip those dark incantations
down to the barest love
sweat pours from a body
from feelings held to chest
our needs reduced to simple forms
our loudest protests held with breath
tell me if I'm overdone
am I so outof place
as to dream some dreams of glory
impossible in these days of strong duress
I pass the tree of wonder
growing from the salted ground
as we discover growth comes fast
when life forms here in the round
tell me if I'm never to
see dreams come under light
those perturbed by simple pleasures
strength of will thought out by night
send me through that maze complex
of interactions with the crowd
and let me form my own opinions
some fruitful, some unsound
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
12/31/2018 10:27:50 AM
Jack Webster Posts: 255
|
very spare on imagery.
the mood seems to be restrained/ quiet resignation, desolation. The volume is so low, it's difficult to catch quite.
Passing through a maze of strangers is a very powerful concept that I think you should develop more.
I wasn't familiar with the practice of salting ground, but after having looked it up, mentioning it merely in passing doesn't quite capture the intent and scope of such an act. It seems to be the old world equivalent of dropping an atom bomb on local flora and fauna.
The image of the tree of wonder growing from salted ground has power, but its power relies directly upon the reader's comprehension of the poetic significance of salted ground, not merely the science of the attack, but the emotional and social poetic content of who would do such a thing to someone and why, a sadistic and dominating contempt or self righteousness. The power of the tree is its rebuttle to the poetic content of salting the ground, but you have ommitted it. I think it would be stronger if you expanded this section.
the use if second person in the first stanza is inconsistent with tge rest of the poem
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
1/6/2019 4:38:01 PM
Bob Atkinson Posts: 295
|
Jack,
Please don't put form over function.
Bob
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
2/1/2019 3:43:48 AM
Jack Webster Posts: 255
|
huh. well, I commented on the content and suggested ways to make stronger the parts i found most powerful. I didn't really address form. I'm not a big fan of the rhyme scheme you've selected. there is no function without proper form. you might want to explore free verse to better express the mood?
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
3/7/2019 12:51:52 AM
Bob Atkinson Posts: 295
|
superlativedeleted wrote:
I didn't really address form.
I find form to be irrelevant. It's feeling that counts. My personal definition of poetry:
"Poetry, the Emotional Content of Literature" precludes any concern about form. I write them, good or bad they go on my web site if they get the point across I'm trying to make.
Start with an idea/concept, explore the idea, and include links for further reading on the subject.
Simple format that works for me. Some good, some bad, some in between. To revise a poem uses up time and energy that one could use to write another poem.
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
3/7/2019 2:46:15 PM
Jack Webster Posts: 255
|
cool. sounds like critiquing is irrelevant. carry on.
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
Powered by AspNetForum
6.6.0.0
© 2006-2010 Jitbit Software