Poetry Forum
For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
11/17/2017 10:40:23 AM
Pailey Gordon Posts: 2
|
You left me there
Alone
For my heart to tear
On my own
I shouldn’t have shown
How hurt I was
But the smell of your cologne
Was still so fixed into my mind,
Entwined within every cell of my body
Because I thought nobody could come between us
Until that girl you brought to bed
Who looked good at a club walked in
She probably had a cute curl in her hair
That dangled perfectly down her slim shoulders
And a pearl
That made her eyes look calm like the deepest oceans
But that shouldn’t have mattered
Because if you loved me
You wouldn’t left me as shattered as glass,
Into little pieces
And now whenever someone tries to put me together
They will hurt themselves
Cutting themselves on my razor edges
Most will give up at this point
But the ones who stay
They will not find all of them
Because there are too many pieces to repair
All because of a stupid affair
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
11/21/2017 12:09:10 PM
Stephen Wilson-Floyd Posts: 49
|
This poem, in my opinion, is stronger when it is specific. There is a caution in writing to "show not tell". Let the reader take the journey with you. I like the pearl and the curl of the other woman's hair. The razor image, doesn't work much for me. True, it is an image, but again it is generalizing. I would explain less. The topic is brave for the speaker. But you are up to it! Best wishes.
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
Powered by AspNetForum
6.6.0.0
© 2006-2010 Jitbit Software