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For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
2/8/2011 5:09:43 AM
Kristina Reid-Hansen Posts: 3
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Normal 0 MicrosoftInternetExplorer4 /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";}Twas thenight before Christmas and all through the town Not acreature was breathing, not one to be found. Bloodyhandprints swept the walls which once were white Darknessovershadowed anything that had light Littleboys were decapitated and sprawled across the floor, Whilelittle girls were skinned alive; hung as décor for every door. Mothershad their jaws ripped straight from their heads As theirchildren screamed for mercy from their very own beds. Panic andpain ricocheted off the walls Pets werebrutally butchered then stretched out in the halls And Fatherswere kept alive long enough to observe Thentheir eyes were gouged only to dangle by an optic nerve Fifty-sixminutes is all the creature takes To slaythe whole town with its massacre earthquake Agonyrained something fierce this night For thistown was caught in the worst of plights And theecho of dripping blood is now all you can hear Thestench swimming through the air is encapsulated fear. To havedodged this slaughter would have been transmundane For this monster,this beast was most definitely inhumane It camethrough the windows and tore through the blinds Grabbingany human or beast it could find ThenSlash the body! Gnash at the body! Bash them in the crown! And Thrashthe body! Lash at the body! Mash the body down! Then itrips out your tongue and swallows it whole Thisfiendish freak has a heart made of coal Whenwondering eyes caught a glimpse of what did appear They knewit wasn’t Santa and his flying reindeers It wascovered in black fur from its head to its toes Its smalleyes glimmered white like the sight of fresh snow Razor,jagged teeth a quarter meter long Its bitewas considered to be bear trap strong No lips,no ears, no nose on its face Insteadthere were just holes, just a bunch of empty space. Thefingers and nails grew together as one Sharperthan blades which were forged by the sun And itcarried a sack, but in it were trolls Thatwould jump out to grab the tormented souls Thedrawing of the souls was the vilest thing to see Theyshrieked and moaned, then begged for mercy Butbefore this act the hearts were ripped out And thetrolls gobbled them up without a shadow of a doubt But thena glare of its eye and a twitch of its head Thetrolls jump back in the sack or they knew they’d be dead And itshrieked the same five words as it left like when it came A bellowfrom hell, you could say sounded the same If youwere to hear these words, you could put its reign to an end So withits saw-like teeth, your tongue it rends. And when it’scomplete, with no time to stall Thedemons dash away, Dash away, Dash away all! It issaid to come back every fifty-sixth year On thenight before Christmas like this time here To repeatthe bloodbath on a town such as this Leavingthem no time for one final wish So sleeplight on a night which is said to be merry For youmight receive a visit from the Massacre Fairy.
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2/11/2011 1:43:44 AM
Kristina Reid-Hansen Posts: 3
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So no comments??? I can assume its good then??
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5/16/2011 10:54:34 PM
Matt Hunt Posts: 10
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Yes it's very good. Just try to space where needed to make it an easier read. Other than that great job
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5/19/2011 8:29:09 PM
JSLambert Mister ROBOTO Posts: 2
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The spacing was kinda trippin' me up and out. I think it was nice with the flows in several spots. Also, you could chop out a few of the wordy verses, nerdy as it sounds on my part. I can tell you are in it for shock value with this one. All in all, it is a good story. If you really go back and listen to the flow, you will know what I mean. I like to plug my ears and read it out loud. I don't know why, but it helps me chill with the HI-Fi voices in my head! Hope I could help. ~JSLambert
-- www.jslambert.blogspot.com www.todayshotoptics.blogspot.com
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