Poetry Forum
For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
3/9/2015 6:26:44 PM
K.M North Posts: 97
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see that girl over there?
the one in the blue summer dress
with legs that last for seasons
and those damn doe eyes
I've been writing her poems
for weeks now
every mid afternoon getting that
over sized coffee
she looks at me through my window
and I smile back through a city street
that girl over there
the one with skin like crushed velvet
whiter than the snow I'd catch on my tongue
when I was young
I've been playing songs
on my record player just for her
the needles worn down to dust
but it keeps right on going
and I keep right on dancing along
so she can see through a city street
That girl there
the one with the brown hair
that falls in her face moments
after she brushes it behind her ear
I've been reading all the romantics
composing the best lines
to sweep her off her feet
and into my bed
a one night stand in this
chip walled apartment
me in my stained white t-shirt
and hole riddled pants
with no socks at the bottom
that girl
she's gonna hear my voice
and swoon let me tell you
i'm going to play it cool
move my hand to the small of her back
and lean in real swift like
turn her like a crux on one leg,
the other out stretched like they did way back when
I'm going to kiss her,
our lips mashed together like
the sun and the moon as they colide in the sky
there will be fireworks
there will be thunder before the lightning
I'll show her paradise from Milton
she'll show me her tropic from Miller
and in the morning I'll kick her to the curb
and start this all over again
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3/16/2015 8:07:50 PM
Graphite Drug Posts: 81
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A great read till the end. Some may find it sexist and be turned off. Other than that it is well written and fun. How confessional is it? As a self-made hero or ladies man poem it works, but what do your friends think?
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3/17/2015 7:00:07 PM
K.M North Posts: 97
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Hey, thanks for the critique man. Not a confessional, I was just writing and it kind of came out. I can get the sexist part, mostly rather than it being sexiest I used it as a piece where the guy only wants what he doesn't have and then once he has it he's done with it. I tend to have a problem like this {not with women, but in general}. And also I was kind of on a Bukowski kick over that weekend and just felt like writing something I could see him writing. It was a challenge from my wife to write something like that. Thanks so much. Also, I don't really have my friends read my stuff until I publish a book and hand it to them like "here's 250 pages, go crazy"
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3/17/2015 7:28:29 PM
Graphite Drug Posts: 81
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No problem. It was a fun read. Bukowski explains it. The first person will turn people off or confuse them if it gets judgmental or opinionated. 250 pages!? Are you self published? Your friends must be prolific readers.
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3/18/2015 11:16:26 AM
K.M North Posts: 97
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Yeah, good ol' Bukowski. I usually try not to cramp on other peoples styles, everyonce in a while it's fun to try your hand at something you usually don't do. Yeah I'm self published. I tend to write very fast {this poem took all of 5 minutes, no edits}. I've published 3 books of poetry ranging from 175-250 pages each. I've published one novel, and three books of short stories {all at about 300 pages each}. If you look up Kevin Sheltra on Amazon {as well as other places like that} you can see all of my books and whatnot. Last year I actually published 3 books that came out as a sort of trilogy. This year I will have at least two published. My friends joke that by the time I'm 30 {29 now} I'll have written everything that I could ever possibly write and I'll have nothing else to say. I kind of fear that might be the case, lol-K.M
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