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6/30/2020 3:19:41 AM Drew Jonathan Posts: 2	Cast shadows The sun casting shadows Heat Escaping the burn behind trees and buildings Dripping sweat through shirts and blouses Lips dry, eyes sore Stale air – drying faces Gasps to catch breath as throats become thirsty Hiding from the thoughts of impending darkness Walking, carrying heavy loads The sun’s passion upon us, some fall Fear, exhaustion, energy long forgotten Trudging wearily to an end Standing, sheltered by walls and by others Heat passing through us Wheezes of breath from young and from old Hope - the sun casts shadows The shadows will save us Free us? …… No
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7/2/2020 9:45:57 AM Jack Webster Posts: 255	The scene is coherent and concrete, which is good. Revising for complete sentences would make it stronger grammatically. Poetically the theme hasn’t been fully developed. There is death, there is yearning, there is an awareness of mortality, but these elements of theme are presented without a deeper significance. It either would benefit from being made more specific, like cues that identify it as a specific moment in history like Trail of Tears, the Holocaust, etc... or if it is left unspecified the concrete details need to be assigned a metaphor identity, is the burning sun the ever watchful eye of facism, the wrath of an unforgiving deity, the indifference of people in power, the indifference of supernatural forces that life cant do without but are unbidable? Are the different aged people all different parts of the same person expiring as they move through phases of life. Even if it is not a specific historical moment, the Death must be given an identity, a nature. You are describing actions as if it is prose — poetry allows you to REVEAL the story that the details represent, poetry allows you to turn the concrete details into jewels that have depth, light and shadow. The images are a language unto themselves, and the riddle they convey must be made clear.
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