Poetry Forum
For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/4/2017 9:47:00 AM
Dean Wood Posts: 31
|
Midlife Crisis by Dean Wood
As youth flows out with middle age, I find it hard to turn the page. Life deals the cards and calls our name. We ante up, or leave the game. Working, saving, spending, craving If life is gauged by things we own By glorious deeds so widely known, Then I must fold; in shame confess, “I've lost this hand, I've failed the test.” Labor, scheming, planning, dreaming The dreams of youth are so elusive, Love and fortune, so exclusive, Time now keeps them beyond my grasp, The lock of age is on the hasp. Practice, yearning, study, learning Notions in granite, supplanted anew, Ideals so innocent and true That filled my adolescent thoughts, Replaced with truth; by patience wrought. Knowledge, growing, wisdom showing Life is not over! Not soiled with rust! The dawn is now! A light to trust. My coffers fill to overflowing. Treasures humble, still are growing. Riches tallied, courage rallied Home and family; sacred ground, With spouse and children gathered 'round, A stronghold, safe from worldly trouble. My life's net worth has been redoubled. edited by Dean Wood on 8/30/2017
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
5/30/2017 12:16:47 AM
Diane Belmont Posts: 3
|
I like the way you inserted single lines throughout your verse, it was as if you were reinforcing your own thoughts from another side of yourself.
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
5/31/2017 2:54:57 PM
Beverly Read Posts: 3
|
Nice write, but I think the last line of the first stanza would read better like this: We ante up or leave the game. Then it matches the last lines of other stanzas with 8 syllables. Just a thought. edited by swandotter on 5/31/2017 edited by swandotter on 5/31/2017
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
8/24/2017 9:11:38 AM
Dean Wood Posts: 31
|
Thank you all for your kind words. I will change that last line in the 1st stanza. Nice catch! It is great to have others give constructive suggestions. Thanks again, Dean
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
8/29/2017 2:58:39 AM
Darren White Posts: 31
|
Because of the single lines between stanzas, I am not sure if there is a poetic form that exactly covers this, but otherwise I would call it couplets, If you want all of your stanzas and lines the same length, i.e. 8 syllables, then there are more lines in your poem that do not fit. If you don't mind that, I'd leave it as is, and focus more on the natural flow of your lines. For the most part that works well, but for instance a line like: "Time has placed them beyond my grasp" 'stutters' a little, if you see what I mean.
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
8/30/2017 10:11:22 AM
Dean Wood Posts: 31
|
Thanks Darren, I will look at that!
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
8/31/2017 10:45:28 PM
Michael Vacek Posts: 10
|
You have 5 supporting stanzas... Pick the best 3. Drop 2...make it rev. You have my problem. I say too much. Less said, more powerful...let the reader fill the gap with self.
|
• permalink
• reply with quote
|
Powered by AspNetForum
6.6.0.0
© 2006-2010 Jitbit Software