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Best Poems Written by Crista Billings

Below are the all-time best Crista Billings poems as chosen by PoetrySoup members

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Purple Relapse

She paints everything purple when she's high
Violet clocks and lavender shelves get her by
He smiles, wishing the clock could rewind
He hates the drugs, at least he's color blind
She hates being like this
She covers her room in amethyst
She knows he sees her addiction is back
It's evident as her world is splattered in lilac

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Lost Cause

You ask if I'm okay, there's a long pause
I try to find the words to let you know I'm a lost cause
I know you tried to help, had so much hope
But your efforts were no match for the self hatred and dope
I'd like to lie and pretend it's all okay
But I can't keep pretending so just walk away
I'm sick of both of us clinging to delusions
I'm sick of the problems that stack up on top of solutions
I'm never going to be who you think I should be 
My pretty face distracts you from what's plain to see
I'm not worth the effort time or the prayers
So go find a new project fix someone who cares
I've given up and you should too
Why are you here after all I put you through
They all told you I was a loser what did you expect
Just cut your losses have some self respect 
If love cured addiction we'd all be okay
But I'm too far gone to pretend today

Details | Crista Billings Poem

Addiction

Addiction is suicide slowed down by fear
Dying to change desperate to disappear
Despair is a constant faithful friend
I can't pull the trigger but I want this to end
Can't deny the bottle even if I wanted to
Time after time I lie to me as well as you
I wish I was different I can't stand me
Often I think of who I'd hoped to be
Nothing but death will set me free

Details | Crista Billings Poem

Bottle

My wine hides behind a dusty curtain
I can't have it found again
I'm dying the bottle's to blame
True love kills, I still feel the same
I don't want to die but I don't really care
I'm my own executioner
I'm quite aware
I know I'm at fault and they can't understand
Please believe this isn't the life I had planned
But time really flies when you're drunk and high
I'm sorry I hurt them hope they know why
Always thought I had time to make amends
Now I'll stay drunk until it all ends
Can't explain the regret I feel 
I need my bottle just to deal
To some fatal disease would be a wake up
For me it's the ultimate excuse to fill this cup
I wanted to be better expected to be great
Never knew the bottle was my passion my killer
My fate

Details | Crista Billings Poem

Resourceful Scribbler

Resourceful
Libidinous slacker resilient convict
Sister of Chad Destiny Trevor Linus and Ray
Lover of freedom fiction and vodka
Who feels insignificant hopeful and incongruent
Who fears rejection withdrawal attachment
Who would like to see acceptance publication serenity
Resident of nowhere
Scribbler


Written 01-28-19
Writing Challenge 2, Bio Form, January 2019 Poetry Contest
Sponsored by Dear Heart

Details | Crista Billings Poem

Someday

You hide my twelve pack I lift a bill from your wallet.
You say you want yesterday back I can't recall it.
You call my brother tell him I'm out of hand.
He says he warned you I won't follow the life you've planned.
I drink in solitude racing the clock hand
I'd choose vodka over food
I don't expect you to understand.
You work hard to support me
I drink it away.
I know how much better I can be,
But what can I say?
You can't fix me and I don't care anyway.
I'm sorry you ever met me.
I hope you'll stop one day.
I doubt the bottle will set me free.
Although I'd love to be good for you
Someday.

Details | Crista Billings Poem

Fish

Just an ugly fish, floundering
Dueling the callous current
The water is polluted
Like my soul, corrupted
Like my thoughts, sickening
Just an ugly fish
Jealous of the fish who are naturals at swimming
Everyone but me makes it look so easy
The sky seems so much bluer
Than this putrid gray water
What if I were meant to fly
Not to swim?
Just an ugly fish
Never fit into any school
The others know I don't belong
Just an ugly fish

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Sick

Sick...I'm sick and I don't want to recover.
My disease, my secret, my clandestine lover.
Nobody understands why I can't leave.
Love kills me slowly I hate to see you grieve.
But when you're fed up and can't stand the sight of me
After noone is around my sickness still will be.
Faithful and patient, eternally.
Sick...I'm dying and I refuse my medicine.
My disease, my comfort, my solitary sin.
They all used to toast as I turned up my drink
Now they search for the bottle to pour down the sink.
Sick...I know what I should do
My disease is what comes between me and you.
The meetings are there my sponsor still calls.
But my sickness soothes me doesn't judge my many falls.
So I stay sick.

Details | Crista Billings Poem

War

Nightmares toss and turn 
Screw it I'm awake
Drink breakfast will I never learn
Lashes sobriety smiles, all fake
I hate myself vodka softens the blow
Try to act normal but I know that they know
You want to save me from me
I am a vicious enemy
Standing out on this ledge
Ignoring the love you pledge
Things are looking way too grim 
Jump in the deep end 
I can't even swim
I don't care if I even survive
I know I can change I lack the drive
Don't ask if I'm okay
I don't feel like lying today 
Can't sleep drink some more
It's me against me in my own war

Details | Crista Billings Poem

Quit

Your expectations stress me out
Your faith in me will turn to doubt
Your hopes and prayers go to waste
My good intentions are all misplaced
I wish I could be who you believe I am
I'm sick of trying my recovery is a scam
Just let it go let me be
I'm no good you deserve more than me
I'm tired of your disappointment
Think of all the time and cash you spent 
All in vain all to hell
Always there when I fell 
But can't you see I'm not worth it
Give yourself a break, just quit